It's approximately 4 hours before the race, and I haven't slept yet. My mind is awhirl with conflicting thoughts. Some thoughts are pleasant, some are not very good. Some enough to bury me into a pit of despair, and some throwing out the lifeline I don't even have to hold on and I'm suddenly lifted to firm ground.
God is good. I don't know what will happen to me when I wake one day and find He is not with me. I know He promised He would never leave my side. But I felt him so far away, not very much unlike someone who is in my life right now who promised the same thing. True that I never should compare the two of them, one being human, and the other one Divine. But sometimes I feel as if there is not much different in the way I treat them.
I feel down when I feel they are not there. I do not quite know if I should believe them or not. But one thing is for sure. They will always be there.
Only one is human, and one is Divine. One errs, the other one never does nor ever will. I know that I only need to call out their names when I need them and they will be there. And I know that any time soon I'll doubt them again, resent them, drown in the depths of despair again.
How do I know they're coming through for me? I haven't the faintest idea. All I know is that if I truly love them, I'd believe in them, even if there is nothing left to believe according to the world's standards.
I don't know. I don't always know. What's left for me now is to believe. Believe that love will see me through. That I only need to put my trust blindly, if not in the one that's human, but the one that's Divine. He will never leave me, nor everyone who puts their trust on Him.
I just need to keep on believing.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
On Purpose
I did it. On purpose.
It wasn't in the plan. I just decided to take life on as it came, enjoy what the world had to offer, live as if there was no tomorrow.
As it turned out, there is always tomorrow and there will be the time beyond it. Way beyond than you can imagine. And you start thinking about today, and how when you enjoy what the world has so cleverly deceived you into enjoying, making you think that it is YOU that is important, living in the NOW is important, collecting laurels for what you think you do, the good things that you think you brought into your life, giving credit to no one but yourself, purposeless, just trudging along, thinking that maybe what you have right now is what you need, and that there's no need to worry about tomorrow.
And then you start becoming restless. Sleepless. A miniscule void that has widened into a huge, gaping hole in your heart. A void that is fast becoming wider, gathering force like a blackhole that absorbs all your energy, positive or not, like all blackholes do...
And then you search... you search for something to plug that hole, something permanent and you look inside yourself, can't find it.. and then you look at what's outside, and then you can't. You start looking back, and then moving forward, sideways, and then you turn around in circles, spinning like a top, not stopping until finally, the force that is inside you gets spent, and then you stop spinning, you get thrown out of balance, and then you fall...
You fall flat on your face, and then you roll over and lie on your back. You see the sky. Bright blue, then gray, and then black, becoming dotted with tiny diamonds as night falls. And then you continue gazing up the night sky, getting lost in the magnitude of it all, trying to count the stars but failing... And then you wonder where they come from, how long they have been up there, what keeps them from falling down, what-- WHO-- made them...
On purpose. Someone made them ON PURPOSE. You cannot explain why you suddenly go back to that childhood belief that all this magnificence is created by SOMEONE. Someone you used to know so well, someone whom as a child you used to pray to. And then, like a child, you start believing.. that ON PURPOSE, that Someone makes you fall flat on your face, so you can roll over, lie on your back and give you a glimpse of who HE is.
From somewhere UP. He will always be there, watching you. Loving you. Even though you don't know it. You will love him back, eventually. You just need to keep on believing, purposely believing in Him. And you will feel that there is something beyond today, and tomorrow, something amazing.. you just need to keep on believing.
It wasn't in the plan. I just decided to take life on as it came, enjoy what the world had to offer, live as if there was no tomorrow.
As it turned out, there is always tomorrow and there will be the time beyond it. Way beyond than you can imagine. And you start thinking about today, and how when you enjoy what the world has so cleverly deceived you into enjoying, making you think that it is YOU that is important, living in the NOW is important, collecting laurels for what you think you do, the good things that you think you brought into your life, giving credit to no one but yourself, purposeless, just trudging along, thinking that maybe what you have right now is what you need, and that there's no need to worry about tomorrow.
And then you start becoming restless. Sleepless. A miniscule void that has widened into a huge, gaping hole in your heart. A void that is fast becoming wider, gathering force like a blackhole that absorbs all your energy, positive or not, like all blackholes do...
And then you search... you search for something to plug that hole, something permanent and you look inside yourself, can't find it.. and then you look at what's outside, and then you can't. You start looking back, and then moving forward, sideways, and then you turn around in circles, spinning like a top, not stopping until finally, the force that is inside you gets spent, and then you stop spinning, you get thrown out of balance, and then you fall...
You fall flat on your face, and then you roll over and lie on your back. You see the sky. Bright blue, then gray, and then black, becoming dotted with tiny diamonds as night falls. And then you continue gazing up the night sky, getting lost in the magnitude of it all, trying to count the stars but failing... And then you wonder where they come from, how long they have been up there, what keeps them from falling down, what-- WHO-- made them...
On purpose. Someone made them ON PURPOSE. You cannot explain why you suddenly go back to that childhood belief that all this magnificence is created by SOMEONE. Someone you used to know so well, someone whom as a child you used to pray to. And then, like a child, you start believing.. that ON PURPOSE, that Someone makes you fall flat on your face, so you can roll over, lie on your back and give you a glimpse of who HE is.
From somewhere UP. He will always be there, watching you. Loving you. Even though you don't know it. You will love him back, eventually. You just need to keep on believing, purposely believing in Him. And you will feel that there is something beyond today, and tomorrow, something amazing.. you just need to keep on believing.
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