5.26.13

I woke up knowing that God is looking down on me. He is beside me, at my back, in front of me and a step ahead to light my path. There are so many thoughts popping up in my head, but there is only one thing that I'm straining to listen to: His voice. I am His sheep, and He is my Shepherd, I know that He knows me and I know His voice. I am thankful for this life that has given me much reason to believe: God is always with me, for me and before me. He will never leave my side. He will tell me what to do, give me strength to follow His will. I enjoy listening to His words, and I love being with Him. I talk to Him whenever I can, and it may somehow be difficult at times but I know it won't matter if I don't feel too good all the time. His words alone could give me peace, and His blood alone saved me from eternal suffering. I am the happiest person on earth right now, even though I know that there are so many challenges I need to overcome. My God is the only One that keeps me together. The promise that I will see Him as my Reward is enough. I know that we are just passing through, not knowing how to feel at times but I know that with His Spirit, I will be fine. I love being with Him. I enjoy His Company more than I enjoy what I used to when I didn't have this relationship with Him. I know that no matter what happens, He will come through for me. He will teach me how to forget the past and forgive those who hurt me. He will teach me how to become more like Him. He will love me no matter what.

Unexpected Return

And so it happens that God shows yet again His strange sense of humor:

I'M BACK IN MY OLD PLACE.

Back in April I had it sub-leased because I haven't found The Perfect Job and I didn't have any idea how to put up the monthlies after the 3-month contract. Somehow, I'm back. It's the 7th of August 2010 and already my flat looked as if I never even left.

I love this place. Really. Someone Up There doesn't want me to leave this place just yet. We'll see what happens next.

Will of the Wind

I am a feather at the mercy of the will of the wind. Being blown where the direction of the wind takes, I have no power to go where I wish to go. When I put up the least bit of a fight, I become ruffled, broken even.

The wind is God. He directs me where to go, holding my hand. I have nothing to fear.

God's Purpose

Life has a different meaning to me now, that is, just going through each day with the hope that I have been able to do what God asked me to.

I did crazy things today, and I did good as well, but I can't possibly say that I am happy. I am not happy, because things are not going well. But I am happy deep inside because I know I'm almost there.

I Met Joe Black

Meet Joe Black might be the best movie I've ever seen. First time I saw it was about 6 years ago, before I went to the States. I remember sleeping very late, watched it in my Mom's room. I remember giving the DVD to Pia because I didn't want to watch it again. I thought it was great, but I didn't mind not watching it again.

The second time I watched it was December 2007, right before I started working for my former company. I remember watching it and thinking about two men: one was a friend, the other one was a boyfriend.

In between 2007 and 2010, I bought the DVD again. Each time I watched it there was a feeling of longing, enlightenment and passion. I never really listened to the lessons, I was just thinking about how my relationship with someone could be characterized by Anthony Hopkin's definition of love:

"Love is passion, obsession.."

It took me 6 long years, but I now know what the ultimate lesson is:

"Be open.. you never know when lightning strikes."

That's your message, Lord, isn't it? :-)

Denouement

So this is the end. I have started packing my things to leave what I had called home in two years. I am coming back to my Mom's home while I start over, and I have nothing to do or say anymore for the moment.

I do have so many things on my mind: that God is preparing something great for me yet, and that there is no question about the perfection of His plan. Now and then doubt and misgivings come up but I also do know that with His help I can survive it all.

I am excited. A bit scared, but more excited than apprehensive. God has a way of making things right at all times. He always comes through for me. He will come through for me today. :-)

Complete

I have loved and lost, as many times as I allowed myself to be. There were very good memories that made up for the few bad ones. I still love someone, and I know I will love him for the rest of my life. He has let me down at times, but I know I can't write him off just yet. I am pretty sure that with God's help he will still surprise me with what he will become.

In the meantime, I am complete even if I have lost before. I have the best lover of all.

God.